Anonymous asked
What didja get in the mystery supplies package u ordered from the crazy lady on etsy

I wrote a whole thing about it here.

codyjohnston:

shinji-kun69:

Don’t ever fucking try to tell me that white people aren’t targeted and discriminated against for the color of their skin. Don’t ever try to fucking say that ANYONE has never been discriminated against. If you want fucking justice, then ACT on that justice.

HI UM NOPE
This headline is the deformed offspring of lies, bad reporting, and a Getty Image from 2012 taken after a man was beaten by police at the Occupy Wall Street protests.
The article cites no sources and reads like a Facebook Aunt telling a story they heard from their son’s buddy Taylor, most likely because it’s a poorly-paraphrased version of this also false article that calls itself ”White Man Cold-Cocked By Vicious Ferguson Mob In Blatant Racist Attack.” Money quote from the article:

“Most recently, a man was simply standing outside of a St. Louis McDonald’s where he was surrounded by a group of black man who punched the man in the face for no reason whatsoever. Seemingly unprovoked, the group intentionally targeted this man for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown.”

Ah, yes, the classic “for no reason whatsoever” immediately followed by “for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown” trick. That old reporting chestnut.
Anyway. The tale of an entire mob attacking this man was
followed up by showing these tweets, where the story originated:

This is all from the same article, mind you. There’s a paragraph describing a mob of black men attacking this white guy, and then they show the actual source describing a single black man punching the guy in the face once. Also? The Knockout Game doesn’t exist.
ALSO also?

So really, “Black Man Punches White Man In Face, Other Black Men Try To Apprehend Black Man Who Punched White Man In Face,” because Ferguson’s hero-to-asshole ratio is actually through the fucking roof.
And yet…

Anyway. It sucks that the guy got punched a couple weeks ago, but if you’re going to lie about it, try being just so much better at lying.

Cracked shouldn’t be the “journalists” catching this kind of thing. If you read something that sounds outrageous but tickles that part of your brain that wants it to be true, there’s a good chance it’s made up specifically to do that tickling. Take twenty minutes to research it before sharing or you sound like an idiot.

codyjohnston:

shinji-kun69:

Don’t ever fucking try to tell me that white people aren’t targeted and discriminated against for the color of their skin. Don’t ever try to fucking say that ANYONE has never been discriminated against. If you want fucking justice, then ACT on that justice.

HI UM NOPE

This headline is the deformed offspring of lies, bad reporting, and a Getty Image from 2012 taken after a man was beaten by police at the Occupy Wall Street protests.

The article cites no sources and reads like a Facebook Aunt telling a story they heard from their son’s buddy Taylor, most likely because it’s a poorly-paraphrased version of this also false article that calls itself ”White Man Cold-Cocked By Vicious Ferguson Mob In Blatant Racist Attack.” Money quote from the article:

Most recently, a man was simply standing outside of a St. Louis McDonald’s where he was surrounded by a group of black man who punched the man in the face for no reason whatsoever. Seemingly unprovoked, the group intentionally targeted this man for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown.”

Ah, yes, the classic “for no reason whatsoever” immediately followed by “for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown” trick. That old reporting chestnut.

Anyway. The tale of an entire mob attacking this man was

followed up by showing these tweets, where the story originated:

image

This is all from the same article, mind you. There’s a paragraph describing a mob of black men attacking this white guy, and then they show the actual source describing a single black man punching the guy in the face once. Also? The Knockout Game doesn’t exist.

ALSO also?

image

So really, “Black Man Punches White Man In Face, Other Black Men Try To Apprehend Black Man Who Punched White Man In Face,” because Ferguson’s hero-to-asshole ratio is actually through the fucking roof.

And yet…

image

Anyway. It sucks that the guy got punched a couple weeks ago, but if you’re going to lie about it, try being just so much better at lying.

Cracked shouldn’t be the “journalists” catching this kind of thing. If you read something that sounds outrageous but tickles that part of your brain that wants it to be true, there’s a good chance it’s made up specifically to do that tickling. Take twenty minutes to research it before sharing or you sound like an idiot.


It's Time to Retire 'Doctor Who' -- powered by Cracked.com

Dear Tumblr,

I watched forty episodes across every season of the new Doctor Who and I hated it. I’m sorry, I tried.

I’ve always said, you can never predict what will happen between the Super Bowl and the first week of September.

I’ve always said, you can never predict what will happen between the Super Bowl and the first week of September.

mr-cappadocia asked
If females are the largest voting bloc in America, and politicians understand this, how, if politicians are self interested actors, would this impact the policies and spending of the American government?

I think they’d pour a bunch of money and research into figuring out why men aren’t voting.

mr-cappadocia asked
So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?

jetpackexhaust:

codyjohnston:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

Because we’re true believers! 

Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster. 

To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of. 

Kristi is a liar. I remember the meeting where the Cracked brain trust sat down and was like “From now on let’s occasionally post articles that either directly or conspiratorially tangentially support equal rights for women so we can accomplish our ultimate end goal: Hack into the penis of every man and make it a smaller penis, or a penis that is otherwise laughable for a different reason upon which we all agree. It almost sounds TOO easy,” Jack said, as he (via the mainframe) hacked a young Robert Brockway’s penis. “I think my wife deserves my respect,” the now-neutered Brockway yelped.

#LaughablePenisRights

#NotAllLaughablePenises

It is weird that we do it so constantly, when everybody knows that people only deserve equal rights and treatment between the hours of4 and 7 pm on alternate February the 29ths. At first we worried that we couldn’t cover it all with our current propaganda budget, but we were able to transfer some funding to supporting feminism from our “Don’t be an asshole” budget because it turns out they overlap completely.

Look, I get it buddy. You’re pissed off because you’ve tried to be a good person your whole life and still you feel like you’ve been consistently stripped of the things you thought were guaranteed , and now there is a whole organized movement saying you still have too much, that you, just trying to live your life, is an affront to an entire gender. That’s a shitty feeling, but here’s the thing: no one is actually trying to take anything from you. That sickening feeling you have that your being robbed of basic human rights, there are people around you in your life who are feeling a worse version of that everyday. If you don’t believe me, look at any of the secret camera videos women have taken on the street to catch the verbal abuse they suffer, listen to any of the stories of guys who touch women on crowded trains and then smile at them as they leave because they know there’s nothing she can do about it, read any of the millions of accounts from human beings about the exhausting and demoralizing abuse they put up with every day. And you might not be the guy making them feel that way, I hope you’re not, but holy shit, you can actually help. You can help other people instead of standing in their way because it feels like another inconvenience. Finally, even if the absolute worse case scenario is true: this is one big conspiracy, Cracked and feminists and a huge chunk of the Internet are villainizing men unfairly and creating a culture where you’re no longer allowed to even voice your opinions without people getting angry- even if all of that is true- isn’t that worth preventing an inarguably high percentage of sexual abuse and dangerous objectification of your daughter/ your sister/ your wife? 

Not all the stabs at equality will be smart, or entirely on point or even helpful. This form of feminism is new, chillingly new for how long this shit has been going on, and not everyone is good at it yet, but holy shit, friend, how can you argue against the aim of basic respect for another human being?

XOXO,

Soren

startthemachine:

cracked:

Spike Spiegel and Malcolm Reynolds have a lot in common. So do Han Solo and Korben Dallas and James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk. Which makes it a shame that we never get to see them go full Tombstone money shot on all the scoundrels, babes, and galaxies they can. Good thing we have a concept from Cracked regular Danzy and designed by one of our favorite designers, Luke Schroder who you may remember from this Mario/Friday the 13th mashup. Wear it and let everyone know no matter how many parsecs need crossing, you’re going to tackle them a lot less like the old, sensible Picard and a lot more like the freewheeling young one. [GET IT HERE]

Why the hell haven’t you bought this shirt?

I’ve always thought Cody would have been a great space cowboy.

startthemachine:

cracked:

Spike Spiegel and Malcolm Reynolds have a lot in common. So do Han Solo and Korben Dallas and James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk. Which makes it a shame that we never get to see them go full Tombstone money shot on all the scoundrels, babes, and galaxies they can. Good thing we have a concept from Cracked regular Danzy and designed by one of our favorite designers, Luke Schroder who you may remember from this Mario/Friday the 13th mashup. Wear it and let everyone know no matter how many parsecs need crossing, you’re going to tackle them a lot less like the old, sensible Picard and a lot more like the freewheeling young one. [GET IT HERE]

Why the hell haven’t you bought this shirt?

I’ve always thought Cody would have been a great space cowboy.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are full of far eastern hocus pocus. Watch your kids around this bullshit.

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

For some people, great power means NO responsibility. See why in our next Cracked Studios series, premiering Monday!

We’ve got a new show coming out that I didn’t write and am not in, so I’ve just been consuming it as a fan and it is very good and strong and different.
This new Cracked Studios joint will have five episodes with a release schedule as follows:
Episode 1: August 4th
Episode 2: August 6th
Episode 3: August 8th
Episode 4: August 11th
Episode 5: August 13th.
So, you know. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday.
Written by Cody, directed by Abe, and starring those people you see above.

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

For some people, great power means NO responsibility. See why in our next Cracked Studios series, premiering Monday!

We’ve got a new show coming out that I didn’t write and am not in, so I’ve just been consuming it as a fan and it is very good and strong and different.

This new Cracked Studios joint will have five episodes with a release schedule as follows:

Episode 1: August 4th

Episode 2: August 6th

Episode 3: August 8th

Episode 4: August 11th

Episode 5: August 13th.

So, you know. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday.

Written by Cody, directed by Abe, and starring those people you see above.

I can’t stop watching these. Thank you, Cody Johnston for introducing me to this quiet genius.