So the thing about coughing up feathers is that it’s almost impossible. The minute you put a feather in your mouth, it get’s the slightest bit wet and wants to stay in there forever. I spent an hour and a half before the shoot trying to build a contraption that wouldn’t be noticeable and would allow me to cough them up bone dry, which meant that I had a lot of failed moments sitting by myself outside the diner scraping dyed feathers out of the back of my throat.
I finally invented a feather dispenser made out of a disk-shaped piece of paper, folded in half and filled with feathers, but with a tiny hole cut in the middle of the disk to allow air through the back when I coughed. I’m going to patent it and make a million dollars.
If I push the thousands of reasons why Cracked is one of the best things that ever happened to me off the table and just leave my favorite, it’s everyone I work with. When you are surrounded by people who are better than you, it makes you want to be better every day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a drunk column about which birds look like they fuck the best.
We both ended up bleeding from the mouth after. I can’t remember the specifics exactly (I think one of us got hit in the tooth when the other one came in too strong, but I can’t remember who that happened to and I certainly can’t remember why the other one was bleeding). It really drove home the fact that Michael and I are not kiss-compatible (unless mutual-blood-loss is your thing re: kissing [and if so I’m not judging]).
Soren made us film another take where the kiss was less “wild and intense make out” and more “soft, sweet and tender smooch-session,” which was weird because Soren wasn’t directing that episode or anything. He just happened to be there that day and after Michael, Abe and I had decided we got the take that we wanted Soren said “No, no, no, again, do it again. Slower.”
Look, they were in a hot air balloon together floating over the Earth. That’s not a moment you spoil with a desperate panicked kiss. Save that shit for a rainstorm on a bridge. Balloons call for tenderness. Also I wanted to see them kiss slow, we’ve all got our thing.
Éramos sólo niños, pero el amor era verdadero. La piscina está llena. Mi lápiz es amarillo.