On December 10th, Cracked.com will be at the Barnes & Noble in Santa Monica (Third Street Promenade) to talk about, read from and sign our book The De-Textbook. Come out! These are always fun and you should never miss an opportunity to see how weird my boss’ signature is.
I’m sorry. If you have plans this weekend, you will have to cancel them. This is more important. Here’s your new itinerary, I drew it up because I know you love all of these objectively awesome things. I know because I know you.
Fuck off from work. Burn bridges, pee on something, do your normal Friday stuff. (Additional step: If you don’t live in Los Angeles, get on a plane and go to LA). Then go to a Barnes and Noble or any book store and get a copy of the Cracked De-Text Book, available in stores now and guaranteed to change your life (even if it’s only in the number of material possessions you have to your name).
Go to Stan Lee’s Comikaze at the convention center in Downtown Los Angeles and watch Cracked After Hours do a panel all about the show as well as a reading of a never-before-seen episode. Stick around afterward and get each of our signatures in your shiny new book. Boom, it just climbed in value at least 16 cents. Sell it if you want, right on the spot.
Hang out with Cracked at our booth during the convention. Maybe stroll the floor and pick up a corset or something. Trust me, I know you, you don’t think you’re a corset person, but you are.
Go to the Redwood Bar in downtown and watch Michael Swaim, Adam Todd Brown, Katie Willert and ME (your favorite) do standup in between bouts of good music. I won’t lie, this is a marathon event. It starts at 9:00 and doesn’t end until midnight. If there’s someone in this group you want to see, here is the lineup of exhaustion, you pick and choose:
9PM - Host (Jordan) 9:15 - MS Werd (Michael Swaim) 9:40 - Adam 9:55 - Get Set Go 10:40 - Katie 10:55 - Countless Thousands
11:35 - Soren
11:50 - Isolated Victims
Go to bed, you don’t have to go to sleep but you’ve got all those texts to return from people asking why you peed in the office and also all those Word Scramble plays to catch up on.
Holy shit, you just slept through a day and a half! What’s wrong with you? This seems like a bigger issue we should address at some point. But for now, head back to Comikaze and watch a Cracked video panel where we’ll talk about making the sketches and series for Cracked and even show a couple brand new sketches no one has ever seen.
Come back to the Cracked booth and let’s you and me have a real talk about your priorities. I’m a very good listener. We’ll get you figured out.
Get on a plane and go home with a new-found optimism and path for your life. You’re welcome.
Not really an ask, but just to let you know your Astronaut series is one of the best, funniest things I've ever seen. Don't ever stop being funny and ridiculously good looking! Are you going to do another Astronaut video?
Yes, we’ve made a whole series so there will be at least four more episodes of it. Thanks for watching it.
I wrote a series for Cracked called Dispatches from Goddamn Space about an astronaut “in the field” having an existential meltdown while trying to do Q&As with an elementary school class. I will be honest with you, NO ONE is watching it. That’s pretty disappointing because it’s a show I’m proud of and it I think people would like it if they just knew it exists. If you haven’t watched it, here is a (some word that sounds less desperate than “desperate”) plea for you to watch it and share it. Thanks for all your support.
I like him, but to be fair, I’ve only ever heard Blurred Lines so I am basing my entire opinion off of a combination of that song and Jason Seaver. I like both of those things and therefore I like him. If you’re asking in the hopes that I will denounce him as a misogynistic asshole, I can’t do that. I won’t write off an artist because of one song that, frankly, the Internet worked extra hard to turn into an inciting commentary. We’re all people and we’re all trying to make good things that we think other people will enjoy, and as long as we respect that, as long as we keep on giving, we can take anything that comes our way. Baby, rain or shine, all the time, we got each other, sharing the laughter, etc.
Your page says you were my eighth grade boyfriend but I am worried, You see my eighth grade boyfriend had two major features about him. One, he was an amalgamation of various members of different 90s boy bands. That's not the problem, you've got that covered. The second feature was that he was imaginary. Completely imaginary. Which makes me wonder if I've just Tommy Westhphall'd you and you're not actually real. What if the entire internet is not actually real. Does that make bronies my fault?
I’m very real. You and your best friend created me on your Memotech MTX512 and at the exact moment when you pushed enter, your house was struck by lightning, remember? And then I conjured those mutant bikers so that you could learn to stand up for yourself. I probably owe you an apology for that.
I just read your article on cracked, about your day as a renegade cop, and I just had to tell you that I literally just pee'd myself and now my little brother is mad because I was laying on his favorite shirt.
Then I’ve become what I’ve always hated, someone who creates fissures in families instead of repairing them. I’m so sorry.
It's that time of year again when you promised (or at least made a vague offer) to write another drunk column. Please don't ruin the celebration of our nation's independence this year by staying sober. Cheers!
One of your articles goes a bit into your early career as a freelance writer. I'm 21 and nearly unemployable because of location and a lack of transportation, so my question is, how do you get into freelance writing online? I don't really care about money right now, I just want something that I can put on future job applications so I won't be totally unhirable, but at the same time I'm scared to look for online jobs because I feel like the internet is totally shady and terrifying.
In general, this always seems like a weird question to me because it has never been easier to pitch ideas to hundreds of publications than it is right now. Websites in general are hungry for good freelancers and all it takes is a little digging around their site to see how to do that.
The one piece of advice I will give you though, is don’t go into it with the notion of, “Wait ‘til they see what my style is like. I’m really going to shake things up.” They aren’t looking for that. They worked hard on a voice that fit their site and that their audience already likes. The people who have proved themselves and been there for awhile are the ones who get to take risks. You’re just trying to prove that you are a flexible writer who can match their style without complaining about the limitations of format.
If this is a thinly veiled request to write for Cracked then the answer is, sure. You can do that here:
My fantastic childhood friend and sister (in a very complicated, non-biological way) is participating in a 40 mile MS Bike ride in Fort Collins, CO. I rarely ask other people to donate for anything because it makes me very uncomfortable and because I want to save up all my “please help” cards for something important. Well, this is very important to me. My dad has multiple sclerosis, and it feels ugly even saying that in the context of asking people to donate money because it seems inherently manipulative. I just want to give you context for why this is something I care so much about. If you can, please donate to her ride here, I would appreciate it. If you want to to the MS ride yourself, you can find your local ride here. Thank you.
Awhile ago, I mentioned that I write abbreviated letters to myself and tuck them away in pockets. I also mentioned that I never clean my pants. As a result, I sometimes end up months later finding messages I don’t remember writing, like little notes to me from my pants. Here are a few new ones.
"Peeing. Peeing with great vengeance. Join me or die!"
"Jingle Jingle. Jango Jango? What do you do all day?"
"Your dad sure loves the Civil War."
"It was the girl scouts. Again. Case Closed."
"Every single show could end with something horrific." [Followed by a picture my pants drew of a guy in a baggy sweater]
Because I have no life, I was browsing the notable alumni section of the Occidental wikipedia page and was super stoked to see your name. You see, that's where I'm attending college in the Fall. (where I will probably continue to read too much Cracked) Anyway, the fact that you went there makes me even more excited and most likely disillusioned about my upcoming collegiate experience.
I don’t know why you would sent this anonymously. I’m happy to talk to you about Occidental. It’s an awesome school.
So I had a dream last night. I joined the cast of After Hours. And there was an ongoing dramatic subplot. And we were filming in part of the International Space Station. You had a little baby son named Toronto. So my questions are: 1) Would you name your son Toronto? 2) Would you ever want to film After Hours IN SPACE? 3) Is there a dramatic subplot tying the episodes together that fans aren't aware of yet? 4) Can I join the cast?
All good questions.
1) I would never name my son Toronto unless Gwyneth Paltrow was carrying the child and she was particularly insistent, which I could imagine she might be.
2) No. My water glass is my crutch in that show and it would get everywhere.
3) Yes… But it won’t make any sense until one of us dies in real life.
4) Yes, when one of us dies in real life. Probably then.
This is Kristi Harrison. What is Kristi Harrison like in real life? (It's for a column.)
I guess that all depends on which Kristi we’re talking about. The matronly Kristi who lives a quiet life with her wonderful family tucked away in a mountain town? Or the Kristi with a classified file as thick as bulletproof glass, six passports and a scar on her forehead in the shape of some poor Hezbollah ransomer’s eye socket? In every quadrant of her life, it’s fair to call her an asset. Whether she’s organizing a political coup in El Salvador, turning some dignitary’s head into a pink cloud in the Middle East or even editing an article on “5 Vomit Puddles that Look like Twin Peaks Characters,” Kristi never complains about her workload and always maintains a joyful level of optimism that bosses love. To be clear though, no one is the actual boss of Kristi, she made sure of that when she hunted down and snapped the necks of her superiors after they sent her on a suicide mission in Sudan. Oh, and she makes incredible bisque! The secret, I hear, is in using nutmeg crème fraîche. Just don’t tell her I told you ;)