PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Tuesday by sociologists at Stanford University, there’s not a single potential partner out there who will ever be as kind, caring, or intelligent as your eighth-grade boyfriend, the first and last g…
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt The Onion didn’t contact me for questioning.
Sometimes I marvel at the negativity in the world.
It is honestly perplexing to me. I don’t know what I expect when I click on the comments sections of other sites — when I make it policy to avoid doing exactly that sort of thing on our site for precisely this reason — but the sheer volume of…
I think every single story idea I’ve ever had has been born in the shower. There’s just something about being naked and wet that activates the story-telling part of the brain. I think because it’s the same part that would have to come up with reasonable excuses if you were caught naked and wet anywhere but the shower.
Yes, right. That’s exactly why my brain is so creative in the shower too.
Once there was this guy and he had this wife and every time she said, “I love you” he would say… “Ditto.”
So this guy got shot during a robbery and his wife was inconsolable and she kept going back to the pottery wheel they used to use together and occasionally fuck on, and she tried to feel his ghost there with her, making a tea kettle or whatever but it just never felt quite right.
Finally she met this psychic lady with no eyebrows name Whoopi who claimed that she could see the wife’s dead lover. She agreed to let him inhabit her body for half an hour so that the couple could fuck on their pottery wheel one more time. But it turned out that the psychic was a hustler who just wanted to have sex with the heartbroken lady. And that’s why you can never trust a psychic.
shelby fero the hiphop expert. pshhhh please! i remember when you tweeted how smart the song 99 problems by jay z was like a year ago. oh d'uh! but it's great. we're all watching shelby discovering the world and then pretending to have known it all along. u a wannabe nigga now too, eh?
Oh yeah this kind of bullshit is why I stopped using tumblr. Think this is a good cue for another break
On December 10th, Cracked.com will be at the Barnes & Noble in Santa Monica (Third Street Promenade) to talk about, read from and sign our book The De-Textbook. Come out! These are always fun and you should never miss an opportunity to see how weird my boss’ signature is.
I’m sorry. If you have plans this weekend, you will have to cancel them. This is more important. Here’s your new itinerary, I drew it up because I know you love all of these objectively awesome things. I know because I know you.
Fuck off from work. Burn bridges, pee on something, do your normal Friday stuff. (Additional step: If you don’t live in Los Angeles, get on a plane and go to LA). Then go to a Barnes and Noble or any book store and get a copy of the Cracked De-Text Book, available in stores now and guaranteed to change your life (even if it’s only in the number of material possessions you have to your name).
Go to Stan Lee’s Comikaze at the convention center in Downtown Los Angeles and watch Cracked After Hours do a panel all about the show as well as a reading of a never-before-seen episode. Stick around afterward and get each of our signatures in your shiny new book. Boom, it just climbed in value at least 16 cents. Sell it if you want, right on the spot.
Hang out with Cracked at our booth during the convention. Maybe stroll the floor and pick up a corset or something. Trust me, I know you, you don’t think you’re a corset person, but you are.
Go to the Redwood Bar in downtown and watch Michael Swaim, Adam Todd Brown, Katie Willert and ME (your favorite) do standup in between bouts of good music. I won’t lie, this is a marathon event. It starts at 9:00 and doesn’t end until midnight. If there’s someone in this group you want to see, here is the lineup of exhaustion, you pick and choose:
9PM - Host (Jordan) 9:15 - MS Werd (Michael Swaim) 9:40 - Adam 9:55 - Get Set Go 10:40 - Katie 10:55 - Countless Thousands
11:35 - Soren
11:50 - Isolated Victims
Go to bed, you don’t have to go to sleep but you’ve got all those texts to return from people asking why you peed in the office and also all those Word Scramble plays to catch up on.
Holy shit, you just slept through a day and a half! What’s wrong with you? This seems like a bigger issue we should address at some point. But for now, head back to Comikaze and watch a Cracked video panel where we’ll talk about making the sketches and series for Cracked and even show a couple brand new sketches no one has ever seen.
Come back to the Cracked booth and let’s you and me have a real talk about your priorities. I’m a very good listener. We’ll get you figured out.
Get on a plane and go home with a new-found optimism and path for your life. You’re welcome.
Not really an ask, but just to let you know your Astronaut series is one of the best, funniest things I've ever seen. Don't ever stop being funny and ridiculously good looking! Are you going to do another Astronaut video?
Yes, we’ve made a whole series so there will be at least four more episodes of it. Thanks for watching it.
I wrote a series for Cracked called Dispatches from Goddamn Space about an astronaut “in the field” having an existential meltdown while trying to do Q&As with an elementary school class. I will be honest with you, NO ONE is watching it. That’s pretty disappointing because it’s a show I’m proud of and it I think people would like it if they just knew it exists. If you haven’t watched it, here is a (some word that sounds less desperate than “desperate”) plea for you to watch it and share it. Thanks for all your support.
I like him, but to be fair, I’ve only ever heard Blurred Lines so I am basing my entire opinion off of a combination of that song and Jason Seaver. I like both of those things and therefore I like him. If you’re asking in the hopes that I will denounce him as a misogynistic asshole, I can’t do that. I won’t write off an artist because of one song that, frankly, the Internet worked extra hard to turn into an inciting commentary. We’re all people and we’re all trying to make good things that we think other people will enjoy, and as long as we respect that, as long as we keep on giving, we can take anything that comes our way. Baby, rain or shine, all the time, we got each other, sharing the laughter, etc.