I spend a lot of time thinking about why Bruce Wayne could be better for Gotham than Batman and which animals look like candy. Meanwhile my wife is quietly doing real work and trying to save the world. She co-founded an extraordinary Environmental non-profit and now they can potentially secure $100,000 for their work. If you have ten seconds, please vote for the LA Sustainability Collaborative. They are doing amazing things.
If females are the largest voting bloc in America, and politicians understand this, how, if politicians are self interested actors, would this impact the policies and spending of the American government?
I think they’d pour a bunch of money and research into figuring out why men aren’t voting.
So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?
Because we’re true believers!
Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster.
To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of.
Dear Soren, every time I watch the moment when you smile at the waitress and then unexpectedly cough up feathers in the Alternate Dimension episode of After Hours, it makes me laugh out loud. Every time. Was it hard putting aside your natural suaveness and social ease to play an alternate version of yourself? Or, the darker question, was it hard to watch the actual alternate version of yourself snag some screen time while wearing track pants?
So the thing about coughing up feathers is that it’s almost impossible. The minute you put a feather in your mouth, it get’s the slightest bit wet and wants to stay in there forever. I spent an hour and a half before the shoot trying to build a contraption that wouldn’t be noticeable and would allow me to cough them up bone dry, which meant that I had a lot of failed moments sitting by myself outside the diner scraping dyed feathers out of the back of my throat.
I finally invented a feather dispenser made out of a disk-shaped piece of paper, folded in half and filled with feathers, but with a tiny hole cut in the middle of the disk to allow air through the back when I coughed. I’m going to patent it and make a million dollars.
Before I ever published a single article for Cracked I would read the columns from Dan and Seanbaby and Brockway and Bucholz, I would watch Michael do Cracked TV and it was intimidating because not only were they each uniquely funny, they were all quietly real writers. Their structure, their pace, their word choices were so careful and precise that I thought, “I’ll never be able to do this. They’ll know. They’ll know I’m not supposed to be here.” But they couldn’t have been nicer or more encouraging when I started writing. The first article I ever wrote was a guest column because Dan asked me to fill in for him on Thanksgiving. When I asked him what I was allowed to write about he shrugged and said, “Anything, I trust you.”
Over the past few years as a columnist, there are a handful of articles I look back on proudly because I think they are smarter than anything else I’ve written, and inevitably David Wong or Jack O’Brien are at least partially responsible for all of them. Each time I turned to David or Jack with a bunch of loose ideas, they somehow knew how it all fit together immediately, like they already figured it out years ago and now they were just helping some slower kid with his homework.
If I push the thousands of reasons why Cracked is one of the best things that ever happened to me off the table and just leave my favorite, it’s everyone I work with. When you are surrounded by people who are better than you, it makes you want to be better every day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a drunk column about which birds look like they fuck the best.
We both ended up bleeding from the mouth after. I can’t remember the specifics exactly (I think one of us got hit in the tooth when the other one came in too strong, but I can’t remember who that happened to and I certainly can’t remember why the other one was bleeding). It really drove home the fact that Michael and I are not kiss-compatible (unless mutual-blood-loss is your thing re: kissing [and if so I’m not judging]).
Soren made us film another take where the kiss was less “wild and intense make out” and more “soft, sweet and tender smooch-session,” which was weird because Soren wasn’t directing that episode or anything. He just happened to be there that day and after Michael, Abe and I had decided we got the take that we wanted Soren said “No, no, no, again, do it again. Slower.”
“So about a week ago, I messaged thisdanobrien (My favorite internet columnist/Author/Current semi famous crush) about how attractive I find him and how awesomely talented he is, and also about his interest in American History. He hasn’t message me back yet and I’ve been having a panic attack for 5 days. Just….stewing in my own anxiety. Fun fact for the day!”—
did you go see late night with seth meyers during fleet week? i was watching an episode and the camera panned to the audience. there was a dude who looked just like you. if it wasn't you, you have a (probably evil) twin.
I did. I met a marine while standing in line named John Tucker and he was a fan of Cracked so I sat with him, and also, it turned out, everyone else from the military. So it was a whole row of military personel, and me.
Some of my favorite moments in Cracked videos are when the people in them "lose their cool," so to speak, so I just wanted to say that your bit about crawling into a bathtub holding a toaster was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Is Open Breakup Letters gonna be a regular show?
Yes! It’s going to be ongoing as long as things exist in the world we hate. I imagine everyone in Cracked will do one of these eventually. Thanks for the kind words.