Soren Bowie: Your Eighth Grade Boyfriend

And probably the best thing that ever happened to you

eternal-bummer asked: So, I just read the etsy thing you posted, it was quite interesting ha. And I'm curious, what was in the box you ordered?

LIMITLESS POTENTIAL.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-etsy-helped-me-find-my-inner-creepy-self/

I made a series for Cracked about an astronaut video chatting with an elementary school class while slowly going insane. It’s called Dispatches from Goddamn Space and if you watched it, thank you! If you haven’t seen it yet and think that might be something you’d enjoy, you can watch all the episodes here (they are very short if that sweetens the deal for anyone). I’m very proud of it and I hope you’ll share it if you like it…or if you hate it. Hate sharing is OK too, though obviously less ideal.

I made a series for Cracked about an astronaut video chatting with an elementary school class while slowly going insane. It’s called Dispatches from Goddamn Space and if you watched it, thank you! If you haven’t seen it yet and think that might be something you’d enjoy, you can watch all the episodes here (they are very short if that sweetens the deal for anyone). I’m very proud of it and I hope you’ll share it if you like it…or if you hate it. Hate sharing is OK too, though obviously less ideal.

thehauntedrocket:

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Yep, that’s where I would have put it too.

thehauntedrocket:

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Yep, that’s where I would have put it too.

(Source: generic-art)

Anonymous asked: Will you please tell me a scary story?

Once there was this guy and he had this wife and every time she said, “I love you” he would say… “Ditto.”

So this guy got shot during a robbery and his wife was inconsolable and she kept going back to the pottery wheel they used to use together and occasionally fuck on, and she tried to feel his ghost there with her, making a tea kettle or whatever but it just never felt quite right. 

Finally she met this psychic lady with no eyebrows name Whoopi who claimed that she could see the wife’s dead lover.  She agreed to let him inhabit her body for half an hour so that the couple could fuck on their pottery wheel one more time. But it turned out that the psychic was a hustler who just wanted to have sex with the heartbroken lady. And that’s why you can never trust a psychic.

Anonymous asked: In Jedi Academy did you have syllables you were supposed to say or did you just say whatever gibberish you wanted

I made up a very specific sounding language so it would be consistent throughout the episodes but, no, none of it actually means anything. Don’t bother hunting for patterns.

Anonymous asked: shelby fero the hiphop expert. pshhhh please! i remember when you tweeted how smart the song 99 problems by jay z was like a year ago. oh d'uh! but it's great. we're all watching shelby discovering the world and then pretending to have known it all along. u a wannabe nigga now too, eh?

thebrockway:

shelbysbutt:

Oh yeah this kind of bullshit is why I stopped using tumblr. Think this is a good cue for another break

Don’t make the mistake of lending more weight to the occasional asshole than all the other, nicer folks. It’s hard to avoid, I know, I do it all the time — there’s some stupid mis-wiring in the human brain that makes us pay close attention to the one shrieking shirtless jerk while ignoring the crowd of awesome humanity all around him. 

And thus ends my folksy lecture. Apologies all around. Pocket squares and homemade pie will be issued as compensation. 

Everyone should always listen to Brockway. Between his vomit and vitriol are nuggets of eloquence.

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

DOB and @katystoll as mismatched Jedi. You’re welcome. #AdventuresInJediSchool [TRAILER]

Fun Fact! Whenever you see a movie or TV character in special, head-covering alien make-up, like the kind I’m wearing in this series, you should know that the actor had to wake up very early and sit in a make-up chair for about an hour and a half while two make-up artists used a motorized spray gun to blast yellow make-up directly into his ear!
Bonus Fun Fact! It takes for fucking ever to fucking come off!

You poor guy, are you OK?
Sincerely,

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

DOB and @katystoll as mismatched Jedi. You’re welcome. #AdventuresInJediSchool [TRAILER]

Fun Fact! Whenever you see a movie or TV character in special, head-covering alien make-up, like the kind I’m wearing in this series, you should know that the actor had to wake up very early and sit in a make-up chair for about an hour and a half while two make-up artists used a motorized spray gun to blast yellow make-up directly into his ear!

Bonus Fun Fact! It takes for fucking ever to fucking come off!

You poor guy, are you OK?

Sincerely,

Surprise, Johnny Homes has always been your teammate in equality.

Anonymous asked: youre hella hot but youre no dan obrien lol bye

Dan, I don’t know how to get you to stop sending me these except to publicly shame you. Enough is enough. This isn’t handsome behavior.

Light Bulb Helmets!
Lady bullets!
Powder!
Shameful Gothic Erections!
All this and more in the next thrilling issue of Captain Future! We have no idea what we’re doing.

Light Bulb Helmets!

Lady bullets!

Powder!

Shameful Gothic Erections!

All this and more in the next thrilling issue of Captain Future! We have no idea what we’re doing.