Anonymous asked: Your page says you were my eighth grade boyfriend but I am worried, You see my eighth grade boyfriend had two major features about him. One, he was an amalgamation of various members of different 90s boy bands. That's not the problem, you've got that covered. The second feature was that he was imaginary. Completely imaginary. Which makes me wonder if I've just Tommy Westhphall'd you and you're not actually real. What if the entire internet is not actually real. Does that make bronies my fault?
I’m very real. You and your best friend created me on your Memotech MTX512 and at the exact moment when you pushed enter, your house was struck by lightning, remember? And then I conjured those mutant bikers so that you could learn to stand up for yourself. I probably owe you an apology for that.
truthandglory asked: I just read your article on cracked, about your day as a renegade cop, and I just had to tell you that I literally just pee'd myself and now my little brother is mad because I was laying on his favorite shirt.
Then I’ve become what I’ve always hated, someone who creates fissures in families instead of repairing them. I’m so sorry.
lidabelle007 asked: It's that time of year again when you promised (or at least made a vague offer) to write another drunk column. Please don't ruin the celebration of our nation's independence this year by staying sober. Cheers!
I’m actually working on it right now.
twopercentsuccess asked: One of your articles goes a bit into your early career as a freelance writer. I'm 21 and nearly unemployable because of location and a lack of transportation, so my question is, how do you get into freelance writing online? I don't really care about money right now, I just want something that I can put on future job applications so I won't be totally unhirable, but at the same time I'm scared to look for online jobs because I feel like the internet is totally shady and terrifying.
In general, this always seems like a weird question to me because it has never been easier to pitch ideas to hundreds of publications than it is right now. Websites in general are hungry for good freelancers and all it takes is a little digging around their site to see how to do that.
The one piece of advice I will give you though, is don’t go into it with the notion of, “Wait ‘til they see what my style is like. I’m really going to shake things up.” They aren’t looking for that. They worked hard on a voice that fit their site and that their audience already likes. The people who have proved themselves and been there for awhile are the ones who get to take risks. You’re just trying to prove that you are a flexible writer who can match their style without complaining about the limitations of format.
If this is a thinly veiled request to write for Cracked then the answer is, sure. You can do that here:
I hope this helps.