cptkammyjay asked
Some of my favorite moments in Cracked videos are when the people in them "lose their cool," so to speak, so I just wanted to say that your bit about crawling into a bathtub holding a toaster was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Is Open Breakup Letters gonna be a regular show?

Yes! It’s going to be ongoing as long as things exist in the world we hate. I imagine everyone in Cracked will do one of these eventually. Thanks for the kind words.

-Soren

judo-chop asked
You sir, are a robot.

You’re going to want to be really careful with the accusations you throw around about who may or may not be a robot. Robots hate that sort of thing.

I’ve heard.

Anonymous asked
This is an official petition for you to start a show with that craft lady. She could send you a box of assorted animal parts and you could craft something out of it and sell it for millions.

If my job was to build a new creature out of animal parts every week, I would finally have the career I always wanted as a child.

cracked:

If you can get through this next video without shedding a tear, then you are made of stone.

A Breakup Letter to Upworthy

This GIF conveniently leaves out the part where I swear directly into camera.

This may turn out to be the most important thing I’ve ever written. Only history knows.

This may turn out to be the most important thing I’ve ever written. Only history knows.

thebrockway:

flockoflamingos:

thebrockway:

weirdshitblog:

Fact: You can terrify young children by telling them that the internet used to be pay-by-minute and TV channels went off the air at night.

Oh god, I had blocked all of that out.

And if you wanted to watch your favorite music video on demand you had to call a 976 number

Real talk: One time I couldn’t get past a point in Zelda, and I had to call a toll number for help. How did we survive?!

I used to order Christmas presents out of magazines.

uncannybrettwhite:

in 1990, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appeared on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” to promote their Pizza Hut album, “Coming Out of Their Shells.” My mom recorded it on a VHS tape for me, and labeled it “TURTLES ON OPRAH.” That VHS tape sat in my entertainment center for over a decade, before getting popped into a VCR one evening in high school when me and my friends were bored. 

Everything changed.

This is 43 minutes of nostalgic ’90s insanity. Oprah Winfrey, trying her hardest to wrangle an audience of 9 year olds that JUST want to see the Turtles fight — even though the Turtles keep telling them that they are done with violence. There are dance numbers, awkward questions, and a grown woman wearing a Turtles costume just sitting in the audience, unexplained.

As far as I know, no other copy of this exists. I have never found it online, and all I’ve seen on YouTube is a video of the final ten minutes, with a warped aspect ratio. I digitized this around 2003 to put on VCD’s for my friends. I just discovered the file. I just uploaded it to YouTube.

Everything has changed again.

Dear everyone who is afraid to sell out, one time Oprah had to interview the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles about their Pizza Hut album and musical tour, and she turned out just fine.

These kids will be famous tomorrow. I have seen it all unfold because time is a flat disk. These are The Dead Tapes.

Happy mother’s day to my moms. I’ll never forget all those caribou you eviscerated for me. 

Happy mother’s day to my moms. I’ll never forget all those caribou you eviscerated for me.